I am struggling.
That is my reality. I am struggling. I don't care for my job. It frustrates me, depletes me, it does not fulfill me. My house is chaos. I don't mean the life in my house - although 3 very small children are in fact their own chaos - but I mean my actual house. I feel that the walls are caving in on me. The STUFF we own is too much. There are repairs that need to be done and changes I want as well. My marriage could use some work as well, as I'm sure all marriages and particularly those with small children do. Our nanny quit yesterday too. There are moments when it is devastating and moments when it is okay. It is a lot to process. I am thankful that we have time to process.
Perhaps many people would read that paragraph and say "Welcome to Adulthood" or "Well, that's life" and I don't blame them. I read it and agree for that matter. But I am wandering through anxiety and depression and so these things seem overwhelming.
So what's the point of writing all of this down and putting it out there? I believe that I am on a journey, a really important one. The journey where I find the woman I am supposed to be - the thriving woman with a beautiful life. Not the perfect one, not the pristine one, but the beautiful, thriving life.
I think that is why I started quilting. Quilting is a place to be creative. It is a place to take something whole, cut it up into tiny pieces and put it back together into something still whole, but more complex and beautiful. In many ways that is what I am trying to accomplish. And just like quilting, this is a complicated process, and it may require a seam ripper. But I will know in the end that whatever the result is, it is beautiful in its own right.